This guide can help you as a teen, know how approach your parents when asking permission and to understand why asking permission is important. For some parents, it can be difficult to accept that their teen is growing up. This of course does not make it easy on you. As a teen, you need to start becoming more independent to learn responsibility, but yet you still need healthy adults to watch over you.
Why do you need someone to watch over you?
Of course, you are old enough to handle decisions and choices, right? For the most part this is true, but as a teen it can also be difficult to make "healthy" decisions and choices that will not get you into trouble or make you wish you had never done that. Why? This is because as a teen your brain is still developing. It is not fully developed until you are in your mid to late 20’s and even early 30’s. But yet you are very intelligent and as each year passes you feel more mature, because you have acquired more experiences and have learned from those experiences.
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So why are parents so concerned about you making choices on your own?
Parents can have their own interpersonal reasons, based on the life they have been exposed to and this has shaped their brain. Of course, parents love you and want the best for you, you still need to grow and mature. To do this, you need to be challenged and make decisions, but without "unhealthy" risk. What predisposes you to risk, is the way your brain as a teen is developing.
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- Secondly, your prefrontal cortex is not developed (until mid to late 20’s-30’s) and remember this is the part of your brain that gives you the ability to asses and make long term decisions, and understand how these decisions can affect your future. While as a teen you might feel, “I can make good choices”. True you can, but only with the emotional part of your brain. It cannot help you assess future consequences with feelings and high emotions in the moment, as an adult would.
- Thirdly, by only having your limbic system helping you make decisions and choices, these choices are made quickly and always with strong emotions and feelings.
How do emotions and feelings increase risk?
Without having a fully developed, operating prefrontal cortex, along with the lack of dopamine produced in the brain can increase risk. And dopamine highly contributes to this risk. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps you feel. For example, when you first learned to ride a bicycle, or when you got a surprise for your birthday, that immediate “good feeling” is from natural dopamine. It’s the “feel good” neurotransmitter. Throughout adolescence, from the time you are about 10-12 to your late 20’s-30’s your brain does not release dopamine. Without dopamine, especially among teens, you can feel bored easily or not feel like doing anything. This is due to the lack of dopamine. This lack of dopamine is also what gets teens into trouble because there are ways they can replace it without being aware.
Replacing "feel good" dopamine: Without dopamine teens can get bored easily. There are healthy activities that replace dopamine (dance, sports, skiing, music lessons, riding, gymnastics, etc.). There are also unhealthy activities that release dopamine, but can be damaging and are dangerous, such as thrill seeking (risky physical behaviors), drugs, tobacco, alcohol, early sexual activity, etc. These activities can produce “dopamine” that help the teen feel good. But they can also have irreversible consequences. Of course, as a teen you think, “I can do that, it will not hurt me” or “I will just be careful, I know when to stop”.
The problem is, without the prefrontal cortex, you make decisions with the limbic system, the emotional part of your brain. Unfortunately, once dopamine is released you feel good, but it also reduces your ability to stop or even think about stopping. This is how teens get into trouble in ways that can result in life changing consequences from serious injury, even death, addiction, unintended pregnancy, etc. There are so many times when parents say, “where you not thinking?” or “you know better than that”. Actually, you were not thinking and you know better. But these teens were not able to stop or think at that time, because their choices were made with their limbic system, the emotional brain that “feels good” from dopamine, so they do not think like an adult.
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Being so excited you cannot stop or think: Other ways teen brain development can get you into trouble, is the lack of serotonin. This is a neurotransmitter that helps bring you down to homeostasis. Meaning once dopamine is released, you feel good and excited, then serotonin is released to help calm and relax you. Again, serotonin is not released until later in your mid to late 20’s. Without serotonin, you stay excited longer and it increases the risk of unsafe decisions. Other example of how your brain affects your choices are the two sides of your brain. The left side of your brain is responsible for logical decisions and your right side is the creative side (this is more the dopamine release, feel good side). What is important to know is, once the right side, creative, feel good side is activated, you are not able to think logically or make good decisions. But when the left side of your brain is activated, this logical side, will not allow the right, creative feel-good side to operate. Of course, this takes skills to practice. It also makes it difficult for teens, because they only have the limbic system and with no dopamine and serotonin makes it easy for a teen to get into trouble and not know when to stop. Until it is too late.
Asking permission to help make "healthy" choices that are less risky
As a growing teen, you need to learn and know how to make choices, be more independent and take responsibility, but with caution. So, when you ask your parent’s permission, the following can be a helpful guide. It helps you become more responsible, by helping you plan, think, communicate, while respecting your own needs and boundaries, while respecting you parents as well. This shows your parents, that while you still need them, you can start taking responsibility and making decisions with guidance.
The following 10-tips will help in asking permission. It is a helpful guide for asking parents but when asking permission and negotiating with a teacher, school club, etc. Anytime you have difficulty in talking to your parents, talk with a school counselor or teacher to give you assistance. You can also talk to other teens on Teen Line to help you.
The following 10-tips will help in asking permission. It is a helpful guide for asking parents but when asking permission and negotiating with a teacher, school club, etc. Anytime you have difficulty in talking to your parents, talk with a school counselor or teacher to give you assistance. You can also talk to other teens on Teen Line to help you.
1. Plan
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Make a plan before asking for permission. Your approach is important for parents to understand what you want, why it is important to you, etc. Explain, being brief but to the point why you want to go, what you want, how it is important to you, how it will benefit you, etc.
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2. Anticipate reasons
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Anticipate reasons they might say “no” and come up with counter-reasons to address their concerns. If something you are asking permission for is on a school night, or if you have homework, tests to study for, etc., anticipate these concerns. For example, if you have homework, let them know you will finish it before you go and do a little more studying before, do chores, go to sleep early, etc.
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3. Anticipate questions
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Anticipate questions your parents might ask. Provide answers to demonstrate you have thought through your request for permission
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4. Timing
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Timing is everything. Choose a time when your parents have time to talk and you have their full attention. Let them know you have something important to discuss and ask if now is a good time for them to talk.
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5. Undivided attention
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When talking to your parents, give them your full attention. Turn it off your mobile phone and other devices, so you are not distracted.
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6. Responsibility
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Remind your parents of the responsible things you have accomplished recently. Some parents might bring up incidents where you have made mistakes or got into trouble. Remember your teen brain, it is easy for you to “react” because of your emotional brain, but try to “respond” and not be upset. Allow them to talk. Then give them good reason to believe how you have changed and show you have made better decisions.
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7. Acknowledge
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Acknowledge what your parents have to say, by rephrasing what they have said. For example, they might say “I am not sure, because you have a lot of homework to do and you need to rest too”. Acknowledge them by saying, “I understand you are concerned because I have homework to do and I need sleep, but I will make sure my homework is fully completed before I go, I will even do a little extra studying before, and make sure I am going to bed early the night before”.
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8. Compromise & negotiation
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Compromise & negotiation. Think of ways to compromise. Just in case they are concerned or say “no”. Remember negotiation means compromising. You should not give up. You might not get what you want, but if you accept it and communicate an agreement with them, this can increase your chances now and in the future. If your parents are always saying “no” or if you do not understand why and they are not giving clear, understandable reasons, this is the time to step back, think and negotiate a compromise. If there is no good reason for them to say “no”, then while you need to respect them, this is your time to compromise and negotiate. If they cannot that day, give them time to think about it, then renegotiation a compromise.
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9. Respect
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Respect. Be respectful throughout your conversation. Even if you strongly disagree, maintaining composure helps demonstrate maturity. Again, remember your teen brain, it is easy for you to “react” because of your emotional brain, but try to “respond” and not be upset. Remember your goal is to impress them with your maturity so they can give you permission, so they will have confidence, trust and faith in you.
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10. Appreciate
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I Love You. Ending the discussion with a simple, “I appreciate that you love and care about me. I love you. Thank you for talking with me”. This helps show maturity, and increases the chances of them seeing responsibility in you. It helps you in the future as well.
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